I have been reading Sadie Robertson's book, Live Fearless, for some time now, and one of the chapters that has really resonated with me is the chapter titled, Exhale Your Ugly, about giving God all of the negative emotions that make us feel ugly and unworthy, such as pain, fear, hurt, disappointment, shame, guilt, and the list goes on.
"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7 (NLT)
After reading Sadie's book and especially this chapter, I've gained some much needed perspective. This chapter was exactly what I needed to hear at this point in time in my life. This chapter helped me come to the realization that for some time now, I've been burying a lot of hurt deep down in my heart that I haven't yet given to God or learned to deal with. I've been hiding the things that make me feel ugly and unworthy. I've learned how important it is to be honest with yourself and with God about all of these things in order to fully heal, move on with life, and experience all the beauty that God has in store for us. We have to let go of the past to fully be present and enjoy the future God has for us.
All of the lies that tell us we aren't good enough, such as the lie of shame, guilt, rejection, fear, resentment, embarrassment, jealousy, and so on, come straight from the enemy. He wants you to feel unworthy and fearful to the point that you never reach your full potential through Christ, because he's afraid of you becoming all that God wants you to be. Because he's afraid, he plants lies in you so that you'll be afraid too.
We have to overcome these lies with God's truth! We have to admit the things we're fearful of, the things that hurt us, the things we bury deep down inside of us because we're shameful of those things, and we have to ask and allow God into our hearts to take these burdens away from us and heal us. Only God can heal us. Only God can rid us of pain, hurt, shame, and guilt...all the things that make us feel ugly inside.
Before I get into the things that God is leading me to share with you, let me share some of my favorite passages in Sadie's chapter, Exhale Your Ugly, because to be honest, they're too good not to!
Here are my favorite quotes straight from chapter 6 of Live Fearless by Sadie Robertson:
"Ignoring the pain we bury is completely wrong. The hurts we try to cover up in our hearts get infected and inflamed, and they affect us in negative ways, even when we do not realize it."
"I realized I had been praying about my present without having dealt with my past...the mistakes, the pain, and the words running around in my brain...negative words and lies I had spoken to myself, and others had spoken to me."
"Part of breaking free from the pain of my past meant dealing with those words and their impact."
"When I realized I had been praying for my present without asking God to heal the pain of my past, that's when things began to change. The Holy Spirit showed me that unless I dealt with the hurts I still carried from the past, I would not be able to totally enter into and enjoy the the future He has for me. This meant I needed to admit my hurts honestly to Him, hold nothing back, and allow myself to feel the pain they caused; then I needed to release it all to Him, ask Him to heal it, and receive His healing work. That's what it took to exhale my ugly."
"I've learned since that time that holding on to ugly on the inside blinds us to the beauty that's around us."
"I realized that the exercise of writing down my pain on paper was important, but it was only the first step. I was trying to find freedom in words that I had written, but freedom is only found in the words God has written. It was not until I spoke those words, took their authority in Jesus' name, and began to speak what God has said, that healing began to come. On paper, those words and feelings were still in hiding, but when they came out of my mouth, all that ugly finally got exposed."
These were the words I really needed to hear in order to give me the push I needed to take the next step towards truly healing, and healing effectively.
What I'm about to share with you is very challenging for me. I have a lot of pain and shame around this part of my life right now, but I know this is what I need to do in order to truly heal from it and truly move forward with all aspects of my life and to the future God has in store for me. I journaled a lot about my feelings and what I felt God's will for my life was based on these events through prayer and reflection, speaking a lot of His truth into my life, but I realize now that that was only the first step towards completely letting the hurt go. I needed to be completely open about my struggles with others and to stop hiding it in order to eliminate the shame and hurt I feel about it. So this is my outlet for healing. This is me speaking those words that make me feel ugly and exposing them for what they are. That's the only way to completely heal and allow God to work in and through me.
I feel fully in my heart that God is leading and pushing me to speak about my struggles and share them with others in order to help me heal and help others heal who may be going through similar experiences. God is the answer to all our problems. Look to Him and Him alone for healing and believe with your whole heart that He can get you through anything.
"Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Psalm 34:5
Here we go...
My story starts with needing to know some background about me in case you don't know.
I recently, back in August 2020, officially graduated with my Doctor of Physical Therapy degree that I had been pursuing for a little over 6 years. I was supposed to graduate officially in July after my last clinical experience and sit for my boards the end of July (they only offer the Physical Therapy exam to get your license 4 times a year, so every 3 months), but due to the COVID-19 pandemic, my clinical experience got delayed 2 1/2 months. I ended up getting cut from my clinical experience after 2 weeks of starting my 3rd clinical of 4 total clinicals we have to complete to earn our Doctor of Physical Therapy degree. I got cut mid March due to my hospital's policy of eliminating students' exposure to the virus during the spike of the pandemic. I left with the uncertainty of whether I would be allowed back to finish my clinical experience (which let me point out, was "my choice" clinical and my dream job in getting to work in a pediatric setting one day), or if I'd have to move on to my 4th clinical and finish out the rest of my required clinical weeks there (which let me point out again, was my neuro clinical in a nursing home setting, equating to basically the opposite of my dream job and setting, if I'm being honest).
I sat at home, in quarantine for 2 1/2 months, with the uncertainty of what the rest of my clinical experience would look like, and the added stress that came with that, until I finally found out I was given the opportunity to return to my 3rd clinical site (the pediatric setting that was my dream job), and I also found out that 4-5 weeks got cut off of our required amount of clinical weeks required by state. I received the news that I could finish up at my 3rd clinical site without having to ever go to my 4th clinical site to complete weeks there. That all sounded pretty great to me! I got to start back in June and had to continue until the end of August to finish up my requirements to graduate. The only bad thing about having my clinicals delayed so much was the fact that my boards exam was in July, meaning I would still be in clinicals for another month after I took it, not giving me any down time to just solely focus on studying right before I took it without having the added stresses of clinicals to worry about.
When I went to sign up to take and schedule my exam, I found out some pretty good news. The testing center was extending the testing dates through all of August, so instead of only getting to choose between two dates in July to take the exam, we could choose any date throughout the entire month of August to take the exam if we wanted. That worked out great for me because it meant I could choose the last possible date to take the exam in August to give myself more time and be done with clinicals before I had to take it. I ended up having a week between when clinicals ended and when I was scheduled to take the exam to solely focus on studying without other distractions.
All during this time, let me point out real quick, I was working four, ten-hour days at my clinical chasing little kids around all day (but don't get me wrong...I loved it), I was driving an hour to and from my clinical site each day so that I could still live at home, I was planning a late September wedding during a pandemic, I had my bridal shower and bachelorette party to get ready for also in September, I had weekly dress appointments for my wedding dress alterations on my days off, my fiancé at the time and I were house hunting to find a house to buy once we were married, and I was also trying to manage adequate amounts of studying each week amidst how tired and worn out I felt from the long weeks...I don't handle stress the best.
Now this is where I get to the point of all of this and why I feel the need to share this with you in order to get things off of my heart.
After taking my boards exam, and waiting through the dreaded weeks until I got my results, I found out that I hadn't passed my exam, which meant I couldn't get my license yet and start working as a physical therapist. I was devastated and I felt like such a failure that I wasn't able to pass when so many others did. I felt a lot of shame and I didn't share it with many people because of it. I only told my closest family and friends about it. I felt like I was disappointing my fiancé and parents most of all. I felt so discouraged because my biggest fear that I had throughout my entire college career became my reality.
I was able to pick myself up after that experience by journaling, reflecting, praying, and coming to the realization with His help that it was all a part of His plan for my life. It wasn't the right time. I was getting married really soon, going on a long and much needed vacation/honeymoon with my new husband, packing and moving out of my parents house, closing on our new house with my husband, living at my new in-laws for a couple months until we could move in, painting and getting the house ready to move into, moving into our new home, unpacking and getting settled, and navigating married life as newlyweds. I'm somebody that doesn't do well with change, and this was a LOT of change all at once. I believed it was God's plan for me to slow down, not be worried about finding a job right away, and enjoy the present. He's a nurturing Father, and I also knew in my heart that He wanted to give me more time to get settled into my new home and life before I felt like I needed to add even more change to my life, plus starting a new job and routine is stressful in itself. I thought I learned to deal with this new reality and the disappointment and shame that came with it. I really believed I was okay with what had happened because it was part of God's plan for my life and I had a lot going on during that time period before the exam that was pulling me in every direction. But it wasn't until this next occurrence that took place that I realized I hadn't completely gotten over it and that I had tucked the hurt and pain so deep down within myself.
We had decided that the next time I would sit for the boards exam to try again would be in January to allow myself more time to get settled into my new life and more time to prepare overall. The October dates wouldn't have allowed me enough time to prepare, let alone be able to truly enjoy all of the wedding festivities in the weeks leading up to the big day, the wedding itself, and the three-week honeymoon right after the wedding. That wouldn't have been a smart choice in knowing myself and what I need in taking care of myself. Getting married is also such a big and special moment in life, and I didn't want to ruin or dampen the experience by worrying about taking the exam right after we got back from our honeymoon and before we were even living in our new home. It was important for me to feel settled to keep the stress under control for me, as well as enjoy new married life and our first holiday season as husband and wife. It turns out that I still had a lot going on during this time period before I sat for my exam again, more than I thought would be the case, but I still had more time than the last go around because I didn't have to worry about classes, assignments, and clinicals. I did have to navigate all the changes that married life brought in the mean time, though, such as packing and moving out of my parents house and into our new home, as I mentioned early. We had to wait until November before we could officially close on our house and until we could move in, which didn't occur until mid December. I was living out of a suitcase for 8 weeks while we were living at my in-laws, so not exactly able to settle into married life and definitely not ideal as a newly married couple. That was a challenging season for sure, but it made us appreciate our new home even more once we officially moved in. We spent around two weeks getting the house ready prior to moving in to make it more our style by ripping out wallpaper and painting a majority of the house. Once we moved in, it was a lot of unpacking and organizing all of our belonging in order to finally feel settled and allow myself to really focus on my studies.
When I signed up to sit for the exam a second time, they ended up extending the test dates again due to COVID-19, and I got to sign up to take it two weeks later to give myself even a little more time. This was good news for me since I got a late start in preparation for the exam with all that was going on before/after the wedding.
I was extremely nervous and anxious to take the test again. I kept telling myself, "what if I don't pass again and delay my ability to get my license and begin work again? I even had more time to prepare, so I'll feel even more ashamed if I don't pass again. If I don't pass again, how can I be sure this is even God's plan for me to become a physical therapist? If I don't pass again, then I'm probably not meant to be a physical therapist or I won't be a very good one if I can't pass it after this try. I had an excuse for not passing the first time, but I don't have an excuse for why I can't pass it the second time." And the negative self talk went on and on.
Well it turns out that after I took the exam again and waited a week to receive my results, I found out, yet again, that I didn't pass it. Definitely not the news we were praying hard for. I'm sure you can imagine how crushed I felt after the second time of the same disappointing news. I was pretty down and disappointed in myself. I felt so bad and like I was letting down my husband and parents yet again. I kept thinking, "How can I move forward with my life and become all that God intended for me to become if I'm still tuck in the present, in the same boat not moving forward."
These wounds are still pretty fresh. These news actually happened very recently. In that moment, I had so many doubts about my future, about my potential, and questioned God's plan for my life. Luckily I have an amazing support system and after receiving some good advice and encouragement from the people closest to me, I felt a lot better and I was able to gain some new perspective.
We don't 100% know God's plan for our lives, but with prayer and faith we can understand it more and more. I don't 100% know or understand fully God's plan for my life and what it all entails, but I do believe that he wouldn't put me through 6 years of school, getting into the graduate program, passing the program and getting my degree, and going through this roller coaster of emotions and trials for nothing. Is He trying to teach me lessons through these trials and disappointments? Of course. But I don't believe that that is solely what I'm supposed to get out of this experience. I think I'm meant to take this as an obstacle in my path and persevere. I think it's His plan for me to overcome this and prove to myself that I can do this. He wants me to be able to work towards building my confidence back up after these let downs and confidence breakers, and have me learn to be more confident in myself overall, because it's definitely something I've struggled with all of my life. He wants me to learn to eliminate all of the doubts of whether I'm cut out to be a physical therapist, because despite this being a dream I've wanted to achieve for a while now, I've always had doubts of whether it'll be something I'm good at, if it's my purpose in life, and if it's something I'll enjoy doing all my life.
I realize that these failures don't define me. I realize that we all have different strengths and weaknesses, and test taking is definitely not one of my strengths. I've always been bad at standardized/global tests. Anything that's cumulative over lots of information (for example, over 3 years of PT school content like the PT boards exam)...yeah! Not my forte. Never has been. This test is just something I have to learn to overcome in order to reach my full potential and become all that God intended me to be. This test doesn't define what kind of physical therapist I will become based on whether I can pass a 250 question test in 5 hrs, that's over 3 years of content in the first or second, or maybe even third, fourth, or fifth attempt (praying it doesn't come to that, but if it does, it's all a part of His plan and I'll have to accept that reality if it comes). Another weakness of mine is not being able to retain a lot of content at once or retain content easily. I have to have a lot of repetition to memorize and have it go into my long-term memory. It's not fair, but that 's life and who I am. It just takes me a little longer sometimes to study and remember content, so I shouldn't allow my ability to not pass a tough exam right away, when I have also had a lot of changes and things going on in my life, define who I'll become. Stress doesn't make content retention any easier, if I may point out. The blessing is that I still have more chances, and that's why there's more chances on this exam. To give those who aren't good test takers more time and chances to achieve their dreams.
I have faith that God will guide my next steps, whatever they may be. In the mean time I will be praying and leaning on Him to get me through this major obstacle. I know He had me read that chapter in Sadie's book this week for a reason. He always knows what we need to hear, when we need to hear it. He knew I was burying hurt and shame so deep down inside of myself and that I wasn't dealing with it in the best way. He knew I needed to deal with the pain of the past and present exam results, in order to fully move forward and get on with the things He has planned for me. I can't help but think that maybe that was why the timing wasn't right for me to pass my exam yet. Maybe that's why it wasn't His plan for me to pass at this point in time. He needs for me to fully put all my trust in Him and allow Him into my heart to heal and eliminate all the ugly inside. Maybe then will I be able to achieve all that he has planned for my life.
This was really hard for me to share and admit about my life, but I'm so ready to be done feeling ashamed and embarrassed at where I am in life right now. I have so much to be thankful for and I want to stop being blind to all of the beauty that's around me because I'm so stuck in feeling the pain of my past. Just because I've experienced failures in life, doesn't mean I am a failure. We become failures when we give up, don't allow ourselves to persevere and move forward, and when we don't give God our struggles and negative emotions that make us feel unworthy.
This was my attempt at starting the process towards exhaling my ugly. I needed to admit all of this, out loud for all to know, in order to move past the shame and hurt I've been feeling for a while now. This is part of my healing process and I have all the faith that my God will get me through this mountain of a storm I'm currently in. In His perfect timing, of course.
I pray that through sharing my struggles and in sharing my story, I am able to help at least one person with theirs. I know that you have the potential to exhale your ugly and move on to everything God has in store for you as well. Trust God and God alone. Admit everything to Him and to yourself. I encourage you to then share your struggles with someone you trust, because speaking those out loud begins to bring all of those negative feelings and lies out of hiding and ultimately rids them from your heart.
"Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." -Psalm 62:8
Keep your chin up. Don't lose heart. Believe that your breakthrough is coming!
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." -Romans 8:28
Love Always,
Jessy Marie
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